This review certainly contains a lot of generalisations, although each story is special.
Here we will also be talking about adults who let not only their own children into their hearts. These are adoptive parents, foster parents, guardians, etc… They are all very different, just like the children they take in, but they have something in common. And this commonality can be found thanks to the theory of attachment – a basic understanding of building relationships between people.
An adopted child or a child in foster care comes to a new family with additional experiences that few caregivers are ready for or even aware of. Such a child comes with hidden memories of grief, attachment anxiety and emotional memories of vague loss.
As the child grows older, he or she may develop behavioural problems and a desire to isolate, as the mind struggles to identify the emotions caused by being in another family.
Attachment strategies change as the child is transferred from one mother (one environment) to another, making the creation of secure attachment a central concern in the foster care system. Deep emotions reminiscent of separation from the biological mother surface, causing discomfort in a child in care. Therefore, such children may simultaneously experience grief, shame, anger and isolation. However, they have a limited ability to cope with “uncomfortable” emotions, so they will use one of two options:
- act out and behave “badly” or
- suppress feelings, become distant and compliant.
This is the period when many problematic behaviours surface, puzzling and confusing caregivers. The family system is further complicated by the presence of memories that children have, but which psychologists, social workers, parents and guardians are not aware of.
Children in foster care have a gap between own emotions and the ability to identify them. And this is the root cause of most of the problems that arise in the process of adoption (foster care).
Even several-days-old babies can record long-term memories. Their brains process emotions, and long-term memories are stored as emotional models. An infant separated from a biological mother will remember this event. These types of memories are called preverbal memories, and they have a unique property that caregivers need to understand.
Childhood memories are recalled in adulthood in the same way as they were recorded at the time of their occurrence. It is difficult and even impossible for children to express these preverbal memories. This means that a child who remembers something will experience it emotionally in the same way as an infant.
Adoptees may have disturbing memories that are difficult to put into words. In essence, children are unable to translate their preverbal memories into language. So, they cannot understand what they are feeling, and without sufficient vocabulary, they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive and emotional disconnect.
An adopted or foster child learns from his or her family that he or she is wanted, loved, and will never be abandoned, but emotional memories are the exact opposite. There are instances where a child knows that he has caregivers, people to rely on and trust, but still feels isolated. He or she may understand that they will never abandon him or her, but at the same time feel that they will do. It is like knowing that you are whole, but feeling that some part is missing… This discrepancy between thoughts and feelings becomes the basis for insecure attachment, problematic behaviour, power struggles, and poor academic performance that caregivers cannot understand.
The struggle to reconcile thoughts and feelings can be a lifelong task for these children. Educated caregivers can create a favourable and healthy family environment if they are aware of this process and know how to deal with it.
Foster parenting is literally attachment parenting. Creating a secure attachment is the solution to healing a child who has lost it. The caregivers’ responses should focus on child’s emotional memories.
Principles of attachment education:
- Preparation for parenting. Preparation for foster parenting is crucial in the form of training that develops the parenting skills needed to create a secure attachment with the adopted child.
- Communication of support. Responding with sensitivity is vital, as communication that fosters secure attachment happens all the time: at feeding time, at bedtime, and during conflicts. Non-verbal communication is crucial in the form of touch, eye contact, body language and voice. This communication goes directly to the limbic system and reaches the child’s “emotional mind” in addition to the “cognitive mind”.
- Positive discipline. This is an approach in which adults pay maximum attention to a child who behaves in an acceptable and appropriate manner in certain circumstances, even if such behaviour does not last long. Discipline in foster parenting is positive and never punitive, and always focuses on strengths. Encouragement for effort is much more powerful than praise for success.
Now let’s also try to answer a rather frequent question: WHY do adopted children (or children in care) misbehave?
“Bad” behaviour is nothing but a coping strategy. The behaviour we see is not the problem but a solution. Children who are in trouble are using a coping strategy to get what they want. Outwardly, the child is irritable and demanding attention, arguing or engaging in a conflict. The motivation for this behaviour is the child’s misguided goals, such as seeking attention, power, revenge or demonstrating strong feelings.
An adopted child who tends to feel disconnected and isolated will try to restore connection by seeking excessive attention from parents. Children who feel that they do not matter may retaliate to demonstrate that they want attention.
A child’s inappropriate behaviour is a desire for power to show that he or she matters. It is a false goal born of inexperience, a lifestyle that has developed through the rewarding of parents who do not know that they are reinforcing the very behaviour they are trying to stop.
The actual goals that children seek to achieve through their misbehaviour are four critical basic needs:
- to feel connected to others;
- to be able to control oneself;
- to know that you are important;
- to be able to cope with what is happening.
When children misbehave, they are trying to achieve one or several of these goals. It often happens that parents react by imposing restrictions or punishment. But when parents learn to see their child’s behaviour as communication, they will be able to identify the child’s goals. And a secure attachment in the family will be the child’s path to meeting his or her most important needs.
The need to belong and feel connected is a child’s strongest motivational force.
When a child has an attachment disorder or is compromised by emotional memories of the loss of the primary mother, love causes anxiety instead of security. The child is reacting to his or her previous experience of maternal loss, which is stored in the limbic system. The natural urge to attach and connect contradicts the fear of loss that arose from past attachment. The child’s emotional boundaries expand and contract, without a clear relationship to events. And this constant change in emotional boundaries due to misbehaviour can drive parents crazy.
PARENTAL SOLUTION
Instead of asking the child to change their behaviour, I suggest that parents / caregivers think about what they can change in themselves to help the child.
Research shows that children with attachment disorders are most receptive to healing when they are working through their fears. This is the most difficult time for parents to be unresponsive and remain calm, but it is essential for creating a secure attachment.
There is a basic model for helping foster children when they are misbehaving:
- Pull child’s fears to the surface by asking “Are you afraid? Do you feel lonely?”
- Check the child’s emotions. Do not judge them.
- Identify the child’s key goals: connection, self-control, sense of importance, value, and sense of competence.
- Support the child and help him / her achieve these goals.
- Encourage the child’s efforts by saying “I believe in you”.
- Connect emotionally through eye contact, touch and soothing body language.
There is no therapy, intervention or medicine that can cure a child with attachment disorder. Such a child can only heal through the experience of secure attachment created in the foster care system. Here is its formula: “The therapists are parents, the medicine is love, and the experience of attachment is the best tool to help a child overcome fears”.
