Researchers have found that even infants, who cannot yet appreciate and understand what is happening to them, react to physical pain with anger. In adults, the source of anger can also include emotional pain, as well as hunger, fatigue, and restrictions on physical freedom.
This is quite understandable. Both pain and any discomfort are instinctively perceived as a danger – the body instantly mobilises to defend itself, and the emotion of anger is the result of biochemical changes in the body, which signals these processes.
Anger can be triggered by other people’s actions that a person perceives as unfair, offensive, and violating their rights and freedom. And it is not the actions themselves that are important, but the way a person explains them to him or herself. These explanations are based on a set of internal attitudes and expectations. And although our attitudes and expectations may seem quite fair to us, they are only ours, while other persons may react and perceive these circumstances in a completely different way, because they have their own attitudes and expectations. In addition, they have their own conscious and unconscious fears and defence mechanisms that suggest a line of behaviour.
We are taught very early on that it is bad to be angry. Children are often punished for expressing anger. Gradually, anger is being perceived as synonymous with violence. If the fear of punishment is stronger than the desire to vent anger on others, it stays inside and turns against ourselves, destroying our soul and body, because the displaced anger leaves its mark in the form of muscle tension.
What should we do in this case? Who should change his or her reaction?
The one who takes responsibility for own emotional state.
First, it will be helpful not to hide own feelings from oneself but to admit that they exist. And while acknowledging them, not to condemn oneself but express them, i.e. relieve negative tension, and then figure out what was their real cause and what can be changed to come to a more satisfactory state.
Life is too complex to give any definitive recommendations for change. Every decision requires a preliminary analysis. That is why it is always more difficult to engage in self-therapy than with the help of a psychologist who sees the situation from the outside and helps you to consider it from different angles.
However, this does not mean that you are completely helpless. After all, there are always two sides to a coin, and therefore, self-therapy has its important advantages. For example, you can openly talk about things that you would never risk confiding in someone else. You can confess even the most unpleasant feelings to yourself. It is important not only to think about it, but also to say it out loud when no one can hear you. Speaking out helps you separate yourself from the feelings you blame yourself for.
After all, you have these emotions, you experience them, but they are not you.
Anger can and should be released.
The tension of anger is released when a person
- cries;
- walks a lot and fast;
- listens to soothing music;
- engages in any socially acceptable activity that requires physical force and aggression (for example, kneading dough or beating out rugs).
All of these methods are easily available, and we often use them intuitively. In addition, you can express your anger by dancing, symbolically expressing forbidden actions in movement; systematically performing relaxation exercises; pushing a ball or roller, tearing a thick layer of old papers; hitting a punching bag; growling and biting a rolled-up towel, etc.
Play dough is a great material for working on anger. You can mould this emotion and then, for example, crush it. You can make a “monster of anger” and then reshape it into other feelings that are less destructive, such as sadness. And then you can mould calmness, or determination, or even joy. For the modelling techniques to work effectively, you need to focus on places in your body where you feel anger. In the process, imagine the anger flowing from these different places into your hands, merging into your brushes, filling your fingertips, and from there filling the clay figure.
Once you have released your anger, be sure to analyse the situation that triggered the emotion. Consider your anger as a message that needs to be decoded. Ask yourself the following questions:
- What was it about this situation that caused my anger?
- Is this situation really dangerous for me in some way?
- If it is, what can I do to protect myself or avoid the danger?
- What is it that has offended me or limited me in some way?
- Could it be that someone’s actions or deeds meant rejection, denial of respect, love, sympathy for me?
- What does love, sympathy, respect of a particular person mean to me?
- What internal attitudes and expectations influenced the reaction of anger?
- What is the origin of the behaviour or words of the person who caused the anger? Is he or she making me angry on purpose? What is this purpose? What does he or she get by making me angry? Does this person have own goals? What are they? Is this person afraid of something? Does he or she consider me a source of danger? What is it about me and my behaviour that the other person might consider dangerous to him or her?
- What if my actions have stimulated the person’s reaction, which in turn has caused my anger?
- Or maybe I’m angry for a completely different reason, and this situation is just the last straw or a pretext for me to vent my anger?
Once you’ve figured out the real reasons for your anger, think about what you need to do (if anything) to prevent this situation from becoming chronic
