Author: Confidence

No one can “cure” war, rape, molestation or any other horrific events. Unfortunately, what happened cannot be undone. But we can and should work to understand 

• how the body, mind and soul react to trauma; 
• why there is a feeling of tightness in the chest, which can be called anxiety or depression; 
• where does the fear of losing control and the constant readiness to face a threat come from; 
• how the inability to fully open your heart to another person arises;
• why self-loathing, nightmares and painful vivid memories are present in life – something that prevents you from focusing and living life to the fullest? 

Trauma deprives a person of a sense of control over themselves. Therefore, the main task of recovery is to master one’s own body and mind, to find one’s “I”.

Most people need to:

1) find a way to calm down and concentrate; 

2) learn to remain calm despite visual images, thoughts, sounds or physical sensations that remind them of the past; 

3) find a way to live to the fullest in the present and interact fully with others;

4) get rid of the need to keep secrets, including the secret of what one had to do to survive.

These steps are not sequential; they overlap; some may be more difficult than others, depending on individual circumstances.

Trauma is much more than just a description of what happened. The emotions and physical sensations experienced during the trauma are not experienced as memories, but as harmful physical reactions in the present.

In order to regain control, one needs to mentally return to the trauma. Sooner or later, it will be necessary to accept what happened, but only after the person feels safe, to avoid re-traumatisation.

The priority task is to find a way to cope with the feelings and emotions associated with the past. The engines of post-traumatic reactions are in the emotional brain. Unlike the rational brain, which manifests itself as thoughts, emotional brain works through physical reactions. It is when something seems to sink in the chest, breathing becomes rapid, as if the heart is breaking, a person speaks in a strangled and piercing voice, and makes movements typical of numbness, anger or defensive posture.

Why can’t we just be rational? And can awareness of what is happening help? 

The rational “executive” brain is great at helping us understand where the feelings come from. At the same time, it is unable to cancel emotions, feelings or thoughts (such as a constant nagging sense of danger or when a person believes that he or she is a terrible human being, even though formally there is no guilt).

The main challenge in dealing with post-traumatic stress is to restore the balance between the emotional and rational brain so that a person feels in control of reactions and the life. When we provoke a state of over-excitement or apathy, we go beyond our “window of tolerance” – the range of optimal behaviour. We become irritable and disorganised; our filters stop working, and we are disturbed by sounds and lights. Unwanted images from the past invade our minds, and we panic or give in to anger. If we close ourselves off, we stop feeling anything in our minds and bodies, and our thoughts become confused.

In order to change post-traumatic reactions, it is necessary to “reach out” to the emotional brain and restore the limbic system, fix faulty anxiety systems and restore the normal functioning of the emotional brain so that it functions quietly in the background, making sure that we eat, sleep, keep in touch with loved ones, and protect our children and ourselves from danger.

Conscious access to the emotional brain can only be gained through self-awareness. That is, through the activation of the medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that monitors what is happening inside us, thereby allowing us to feel. Most of our rational brain is focused on what is happening outside. It helps us get along with others and make plans for the future. However, it doesn’t help us manage our “I”.

Neuroscientific research has shown that the only way to change your feelings is to become aware of your inner feelings and learn to make friends with what is happening inside you.

It is better to do this with the support of a specialist, such as a psychotherapist, who has education and experience in working with trauma.

“I ain’t going to school today”.
“Why not? Everything was fine yesterday!”
“There was no reading class yesterday”.
How many times have you heard such words? How many mornings have begun with tears and persuasion?
“I saw real fear in my son’s eyes – real of reading aloud, of being laughed at by classmates. And it will only get harder in the upper grades, where they read long works. What should I do?” says Olena, mother of 8-year-old Illia.
And Illia is not alone. He is one of many children who brilliantly solve problems verbally but struggle to write them down; gifted artists who cannot spell the title of their own painting; future engineers for whom reading an instruction manual feels like a heroic feat.
Dyslexia is one of the most common neurodevelopmental conditions affecting a child’s ability to read and write. Despite growing awareness, it remains surrounded by myths and misconceptions.
So, what exactly is dyslexia? How can it be recognised? And, most importantly, how can we help a child unlock their potential despite learning challenges?
We discuss these questions with Iryna Hordiieva from the Centre of Psychological Help “Confidence” – a speech therapist, special education teacher with extensive experience of working with children with neurodevelopmental disorders.

Ms Hordiieva, people often say that dyslexia is just a “trendy” diagnosis. What do you think?
Dyslexia is a specific neurodevelopmental disorder that requires serious work. In my practice, I work with such children from one to three years of age, and it’s not simply “poor reading” — it is a complex of features that can already be noticed in preschool age.
How can dyslexia be recognised in preschoolers?
The first signs often appear between ages three and five. Such children often show reduced mobility, avoid physical games, and have balance problems. Their fine motor skills can also be affected – these kids hold a pencil incorrectly and press too hard when drawing. One clear indicator is that at the age of three a child can’t draw a circle, at four – a square or cross, and at five – a triangle.
What happens when a child starts school? Do the symptoms change?
At six or seven, the symptoms become more obvious. Children may struggle with coordination – they find it difficult to ski, catch a ball, tie shoelaces, use cutlery, handle scissors and draw complex geometric shapes and patterns. Quite common is a delay in lateralisation, as children confuse right and left and “mirror” letters and numbers when writing. They may have difficulty distinguishing similar letters and make errors in pronunciation and grammar. For them, it may be hard, for example, to arrange drawings by elements based on a model, or notice details that distinguish pictures, shapes or letters.
Many people believe that dyslexia only means slow reading or even laziness. Is that true?
It is far more complex. Such children often misuse prepositions that describe spatial relations, find it hard to memorise poems, songs and longer names. They may struggle to remember sequences, such as days of the week or number series. They also have difficulties differentiating similar sounds (phonemic processing disorders) and performing sound and syllable analysis and synthesis.
What is your main message for parents who notice these signs in their kids?
The most important thing is not to ignore these signs, blaming laziness or unwillingness to learn. At the same time, there is no reason to panic – with timely and professional support, children with dyslexia can learn successfully. Early identification and proper guidance are key.

An interview with child psychiatrist Yurii Stratovych about working with children with special educational needs, belief in miracles, daily work and love for the world.

Mr Stratovych, could you tell us about the specifics of your practice?

The years 2014-2015 were a turning point for me, when I finalised a new approach. It didn’t happen by chance – back in 2002, I studied in the United States and became familiar with the system that focused on the individual, rather than the state or institutions. That’s when I realised: everything must serve the individual – not laws or bureaucracy, but the family. Since then, I’ve been implementing this philosophy in my work. For over 10 years now, I’ve been engaged in behavior management of parents. This niche has been a real breakthrough for me. I realised how crucial it is to support parents. They need to hear that they’re doing the right thing, to build their confidence. After all, when parents feel supported, it immediately reflects on a child: parents genuinely want to help, but they often just don’t know how to do it right.

Were there any particular cases that would help our readers understand children’s potential?

One of the most striking examples is the story of this 13-year-old girl diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. It was one of the most difficult cases, but we worked tirelessly, and the outcome exceeded expectations. First, there was no relapse. Second, this girl is now a pediatrician and is planning to become a child psychiatrist. Can you imagine? The same kid who once battled her own problems – and won – is now helping other children.

In another case, I worked with a 2-year-old boy with severe autism, then didn’t see him again for 15 years. His mother had initially rejected the diagnosis – which is a typical reaction, by the way – but still diligently followed all of my recommendations. Years later, she told me that her son is now a coding genius who gets invitations from different countries – at the age of 17! Everyone talks about his incredible potential. This made me once again reconsider the possibilities of a child’s brain.

I also recall a case of a Ukrainian family that moved to Denmark. Their son, who has ASD, started kindergarten there at the age of 4. The Danish system simply amazed me: the educators immediately identified someone in the group – another four-year-old girl – to support and help him adapt. Not an adult, but another child! These inclusive peer groups are so important, because they help develop empathy and promote the acceptance of diversity. Another fascinating detail: the kindergarten has this special “friendship hut” on the playground. When a child wants to play with someone or needs support but is too shy to ask, he or she just goes into this hut – others notice and quickly join in. I dream that such a practice will take root in Ukraine, and I already see a lot of progress in tjis regard.

You mentioned that a mother initially rejected her child’s diagnosis – and said that’s a typical reaction. Can we talk about that? How to help parents move from “Why my child?” to acceptance?

This is the hardest part of my work, but also the most meaningful. The first step is always the same – to remove the sense of guilt. You see, nearly all disorders are genetic in nature: it’s just the way it is, and it’s no one’s fault. But parents often blame themselves instead of channelling their energy into helping the child.

Acceptance of a diagnosis by the family is a very difficult process. When I talk about ADHD or ASD, parents often get mad at me because I seem to have brought bad news. At first, that reaction surprised me: I want to help, but they perceive me as an enemy. Over time, I understood why this happens and have come to accept these reactions. The main thing is for parents to start working with the child; they quickly see results, and this changes everything.

I always explain a simple principle to parents: the past causes depression, the future brings anxiety, but we need to live in the present. If you’re constantly thinking about what happened or worrying about what might be, you’re not doing anything for your child right now.

What are the most common myths that get shattered in your office?

The biggest myth I come across every day is the belief that prognoses are set in stone. Parents often come in thinking that if a doctor says, “your child will never be able to…”, that’s a life sentence. But the brain is incredibly plastic! Making definitive predictions just doesn’t work. It’s far more effective to work every day, and the results will come. I believe in it, I see it, and I try to support it.

Another common myth is that working only with the child, taking him or her to specialists is enough, while the rest of the family can continue life as usual. This is fundamentally wrong. Success only comes when there is support from everyone – both parents, grandparents, godparents, friends – absolutely everyone. I often hear, “Dad earns money, and Mom takes care of the child”. But real success is 50% Mom plus 50% Dad. And it doesn’t matter if the parents live together – the main thing is that they work as a team.

What changes would you like to see in society’s attitude toward children with disabilities or special educational needs?

The biggest problem in Ukraine is that parents are ashamed of their kids’ diagnosis and try to hide it. We need to do the opposite and speak openly: “My child has ASD,” or “My child has hyperactivity”. It’s just necessary to talk about it, because that’s how trust is built, and people begin to sympathise and empathise.

When parents openly talk about their child’s diagnosis for the first time, they take a huge burden off their shoulders. And you know what? People are much better than we think they are. That’s my observation and my belief. When people understand a family’s needs, they start helping. I think we need to break this culture of silence and be open with neighbours, doctors, teachers. After all, it’s not the family’s fault. There are many children like this, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you believe children with special educational needs have a mission? That everything in this world happens for a reason?

Absolutely! As I’ve already mentioned, when such a child shows up in a kindergarten or school, other children automatically start learning compassion, develop empathy. Perhaps, it is through such interaction that one of these children will become a doctor or social worker one day. Kids are much more flexible than adults and have fewer biases. Of course, adults should supervise the process, but give children space to love, make friends, and accept.

In Israel, there’s a beautiful tradition: when a child with special educational needs is born, the state congratulates the family, because this requires a whole new level of family functioning. And it is true: such families become stronger, wiser, kinder.

How has the war affected the mental health of children with disabilities or SEN?

War is a complex stressor for everyone, but especially for children with SEN. On the one hand, it’s a huge challenge, especially when families are forced to leave. But I’ve also noticed something remarkable: under stress, children sometimes gain new skills, learn to adapt faster, and go through any other adaptation more easily. As they say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

I currently consult Ukrainian families that have moved to all corners of the world – New Zealand, the United States, Germany, France and the UK. I see how they adapt to new mentalities and cultures. True, it is stressful for both adults and children, but it also gives a powerful push for growth.

I always advise parents to stick to the routine, even during wartime: plant flowers, read books, bake favourite pies – follow familiar daily rhythms as much as possible. Yet we need to understand that in stressful situations, long-term planning becomes impossible. At best, plan a month ahead. Ideally – a week.

What would you say to parents who have just received a diagnosis?

First of all, don’t wait. Early intervention is absolutely critical. Usually, parents notice changes around the age of one, hope it will “go away” by the age of two, and only start seeking help at the age of three. This is a loss of precious time.

Remember, I said that the brain is very plastic! If you invest enough in a child, there’s a strong chance of active development. What children need most are independence and adaptive skills – these will help them far more in adult life than any academic knowledge.

One more crucial point: a child is not the same as his or her diagnosis. When working with children with special educational needs, we must always separate the condition from the child’s personality. Unfortunately, even professionals sometimes forget this rule.

What inspires you the most in your work?

My rule in life is to never give up. No matter how difficult the case is, I do everything I can. And I get energy from the results. When I see children change – some in a month, others in seven years – but they do change, and that’s incredibly inspiring. Helping kids with mental disorders is the highest level of spirituality one can imagine, and I try to follow this path every day and develop myself to be able to help even more.

How do you keep your emotional balance?

My family, sports, and travelling – seeing new cities, new cultures – help me keep my balance. I try not to obsess over age or how much time is left for me. Instead, I focus on making the right choices here and now – helping people, especially children.

Rich experience also brings stability: it helps me avoid mistakes I made in the past. Back in 2011, I started one of the first state centres in Ukraine for children with SEN based in a psychiatric hospital. We had a true multidisciplinary team, including speech therapists, special educators, psychiatrists, psychologists, and more. Families had to wait up to 18 months to get in. Being a pioneer is always difficult, but that experience now helps me influence change in the country and support new initiatives.

A new school year is about to begin, but sadly many children in Ukraine will start their studies remotely. This requires more parental involvement in the learning process, especially if the children are primary school students or have problems with concentration.

I think we’ve all seen this funny sketch about home lessons in which the mother is hoarse, the daughter barely hears anything, the neighbours have already learnt everything by heart, and the dog has recited the text. 

Parents laugh at this joke, but it has a sad aftertaste. I often hear children’s stories about homework under parental control, and it is like torture. Slaps, whacks, hits with a ruler on the hands, screams and insults:

– Are you dumb? How many times do I have to explain?

– Even a fool would understand this task!

– Are you making fun of me? Where do your hands come from? What are these scribbles?

What do children get from this kind of interaction? They get parental messages like “You are worthless, you are stupid, we are ashamed of you, you are not worthy of our love”. Of course, these children are guaranteed to have low self-esteem and will be doomed to a long endeavour of proving their worth first to parents and then to everyone else. As they say, I wanted my mother’s approval, but I got three university degrees instead.

Many adults who grew up in such destructive family environments promise not to be like their parents. They read a lot of books on child psychology, they know that they need to be patient and kind and not raise voices at their children. But it often happens that a child doesn’t understand something right away or simply sabotages learning because it’s difficult / boring / uninteresting. And despite the promises to be patient, irritation begins to grow in parents, similar to steam in a pressure cooker. When it becomes unbearable to hold back these emotions, we have an explosion. And things that parents have absorbed since childhood begin to “fly out” – insults, humiliation, name-calling.

Of course, many parents still manage to supress the wave of irritation, but they feel like a squeezed lemon, because all the energy was wasted on keeping irritation, anger, powerlessness and other difficult feelings in check.

So, the question is: are all parents doomed to experience such difficult emotions when helping their children with their homework?

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to get rid of negative reactions, and you need a specialist. When working with a psychologist, parents develop awareness and become researchers: “What is happening to me?”, “What do I feel?”. People learn to give these emotions the right to be, answering the question of why these emotions arose, what they are about.

For example, one man went nuts when his kid could not understand how to solve a simple equation even from the third time. The problem was that in this man’s childhood his parents had demanded that he did everything right from the first time, insulting and ridiculing him when he made mistakes. And when we analysed his adult life, we found many situations in which he scolded himself and engaged in self-criticism for not foreseeing, not taking into account everything to make things work right from the first time. That is, HE DID NOT ACCEPT HIMSELF in the “stupid” state.

And until a person is able to accept himself or herself as imperfect and with limitations, he or she will be irritated with the child every time when the latter makes mistakes and does not understand something.

Self-acceptance is not a forceful act; sometimes it is a very long process in psychotherapy. However, after accepting themselves as imperfect, parents will no longer feel irritated but will see the child’s limitations and help the child overcome them. For example, when a child is a humanitarian and maths is all Greek to him, parents can calmly say: “Yes, we understand that maths is difficult for you. Let’s take a break, and then we’ll try to explain it again”.

I also want to raise another important point. For many parents, a child’s academic success means “I’m a good mother / great father”. That is, when parents see that a child does homework “fast and cheaply” and without trying, they feel ashamed – “I am a bad parent, I am not coping, I am doing something wrong, and everyone will judge me for it”. For many parents, these are very difficult, even unbearable feelings, so they “dump” these negative emotions onto the child.

If parents have a destructive “successful learning = we are good parents” attitude, it is important to replace it with neutral one: “if the child fails in school, it has nothing to do with the kind of parent I am”. 

And it is about exploring expectations from yourself and your child, and how realistic these expectations are: “What can we do as parents to help our child learn better, and where are our limitations in this?” “Is it possible to learn well amidst endless air raid alerts and asynchronous learning?”

And, of course, it is important to investigate whether parents have the resources to work with their child. After all, no one has cancelled household chores and fatigue after work. I advise parents to choose communication with their child rather than trying to explain homework when all family members are exhausted. 

Parents are often overwhelmed with fear that if they don’t help the child with studies now, he or she will not do well in school and will be unsuccessful in adult life. It is this horror that something terrible can happen because of crooked letters that overwhelms parents when they see that their child is not trying very hard to do the homework.

It is important to understand the reason for the fear – if a child does poorly in school and cannot enter a university, will he or she be successful without higher education? In the past century, higher education was almost the only opportunity to get a prestigious, well-paid job. Nowadays, you don’t need a university degree to become a successful person. Beauty specialists, video bloggers, web designers, SMM managers, game testers, photographers, coders (most of them self-taught) and many other professionals often earn more than people with higher education.

In addition to parental fears, it is important to understand whether their desire to give the child a higher education at any cost is not based on unfulfilled ambitions: “I didn’t become a lawyer (because, for example, I became pregnant early and had to give up my studies), so my child must become a lawyer by all means”.

When parents throw all their energy into ensuring that their son or daughter receives a higher education – and this burden is difficult for children or is not their choice – it often ends in depression. And this young person, having graduated from the university, plunges into an apathetic state, does not look for a job, lies on the couch with the phone. And the parents throw up their hands in despair for having raised such a “lazy bum” who wants nothing.

These are, of course, not all the reasons for the strong negative emotions that parents may have when preparing for school together with their child. Everyone has their own story to work with during counselling.

It is worth recalling that children rarely perceive their parents as teachers and often sabotage parental “teaching interventions”. The conclusion is that teachers and tutors are the ones who should help children learn, because not all parents have a pedagogical education or the ability to easily explain complex topics.